My daughter and I

14th october 2013

On this night my daughter and I ate beef sausages with bread and shared one small box of ceres juice, mango flavour. I will not forget this day because this is the day I have gotten tired of being kind, being understanding and being soft. I feel bad because in all my life today I feel the most worthless. Worthless because in the morning my daughter carried plain bread to school. Worthless because due to not having gas I picked up my daughter after 21 hours from her aunt's house. Worthless because with the money I had borrowed we bought a loaf of bread and 2 beef sausages and the ceres juice so that we could eat. Why are we eating such a meager and mediocre meal you may ask?... Its because there is completely no food in the house. Nothing.

So. I sit here and ask myself why this is so. From a house that had it all, lots of food, juice and whatever you would want to snack on. Why is this bad run of luck coming my way?...why am I failing in my basic duties as a man, husband and father? I keep asking myself this. Back in the day I would work have as hard but make three times aas much money as I make now. I work hard. I use my brain, I get a lot of promises but very few deliveries. What am I doing wrong? I have all these questions in my head.... If I list down the times I think I made a mistake, the times I should have gone right or left instead of going straight then I may never stop listing them down because right now I feel all I ever did is useless..like they were all a bunch of many waypoints to my current situation. Right now I feel like I have nothing yet I am one of the happiest people on earth... I could live like this but what hurts me is having to see my family suffer....having to lie to my daughter like people lie to me when she wants something. I am tired of this.

My daughter is my rock right now. Yesterday, the little 4 year old said to me 'it will be ok papa.'.... I believed her. I asked her to say those words and hearing her say them made me believe it will all be fine. I have to work hard for her. And I want to give her all she needs, all she wants. We shared the sausages tonight and after we ate she gave me a high 5. She is awesome and for her I will run myself rugged...I love you Chisekwa....I promise I will get us out of this.

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